


childhood crushes and gender dysphoria blues

by striderhell



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 'i think' no they are mostly trans, Dysphoria, F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, also most of the characters are trans i think, i didnt know if i should add dave/jade as the ship tag but its like, im just yeah but also i am trans and just very unsure, jace and dave (transmasc jade and transfem dave) but like, just kind of like a lot of heavy stuff, oh im rambling never mind, there's talks about abuse in this btw, though its mostly like lighthearted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 00:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29742534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/striderhell/pseuds/striderhell
Summary: Sometimes it's really hard to cope after getting out of a really shitty situation in your life, especially with a fear of finding out that you aren't who you think you are. Yeah, that's a lot of shit Dove Strider has to deal with....Dove Strider.Heh, nice.
Relationships: Jace Harley/Dove Strider, June Egbert/Kanaya Maryam, Rose Lalonde/June Egbert, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	childhood crushes and gender dysphoria blues

You know, with your own self upholding societal standards on hypermasculinity and/or hyperfemininity it’s pretty hard to actually realize any actual feelings you have that’s boiling under the pot cover. That moment when you can let down all your walls and let yourself see yourself for you and just let it hit that it feels wrong.

Because, yeah, sure, that experience I don’t think is pretty normal. At least it wasn’t for Dave Strider. Dave? Still not extremely sure on that, sure, it was always what he was called his entire life, but he didn’t really know how it felt, now that he had a new life with his apparently estranged half-brother that he never knew about. He…

It was just definitely weird to him, at least. Like, fucking imagine that you, once you get out of an extremely shitty household you find out that you have two half-brothers that you never heard about. Shit’s the wonders, isn’t it?

Yeah, but, he seemed pretty hyped up about all the irony that Dave was also interested in. Something, something, something about… living with Bro’s brother, D? Might have been where Dave got the name from, because he didn’t think it would have been a coincidence that his Bro probably named him after his brother for some weird ‘ironic purpose’- the entire irony seemed like a pretty steady genetic thing or whatever. He wasn’t that sure on how genetics worked but for them it seemed pretty relevant when it came to an interest in irony.

So… Dave Strider, looking at himself in the mirror. Just having a moment, thinking about it. First few days out of his household- his extremely shitty one for that matter. Finally, having some goddamn time to himself to actually think on shit instead of having to live on the constant focus that, oh shit, what if he gets fucking attacked out of nowhere, stuck in a trap, again. Or have to live in just the constant fear of, well, everything. Punishments. Shit like that.

Yeah, okay, some introspection on who you are. Really? Why’s that your choice, Dave? Well, it’s probably the debilitating, neverendless thought process of fear that hindered him from actually thinking properly and instead focusing on not how he felt but on what would keep him safe. That’s probably what kept him from doing this and deciding to just have a moment to get all his thoughts out on the table. Or, well, bathroom counters.

“Yo, dude!” he heard from outside the bathroom door, a small knock sounding. “What’s the hold up?”

Has it really been that long for him? Just staring at himself? It felt like a few minutes but he did indeed have a tendency to forget what’s going on and suddenly, it’s hours ahead.

“Look, man, I really hope you don’t have some wretched diarrhea because I don’t really wanna deal with that shit.”

“I’m fine,” Dave answered in a steady voice. He was just staring at himself, studying his features again. He heard his voice- he found it weird, a bit too deep- but he never paid too much attention to it. Everything felt a bit too masculine to him, just, wrong. He was so used to continuously being told, whenever Bro did talk to him, that he had to be masculine. Macho, even.

Heh.

Even just after a few days it already felt that wrong?

All the changes were so sudden, not that he really cared but it was more of ‘family gets you out of a situation’ instead of anything that is legal, so.

“Dude, hurry up, I need to clean up.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I’m coming out.” Any form of introspection, he supposed, would have to wait for later. He opened the door, staring at his shorter brother. “Sup. Sup, sup, sup. How ya doin’?” The height difference wasn’t enough to make it awkward where one would have to stare down at the other, but it was a bit funny to Dave, because obviously the dude had a complex that probably made him pissy that his younger brother was taller than him.

“What’s up is my need to get ready. Now, out.”

“Okay, okay, fine, bye bye.” He rolled his eyes, pushing his shades up and walking to his room. It was pretty barren- no puppets at least. He heard Dirk shut the door to the bathroom, and so he pulled out his phone. Kinda cautiously, though, because he really didn’t know if anyone would suddenly barge in- from what he’s gathered about D and Dirk is that they wouldn’t do that, but Dirk was still a bit annoying and kinda already got a bit in his business, so he didn’t entirely trust him.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: rose i need some gotdamned fucking help here 

TG: ok so you know all the heavy shit right

TG: like i didnt think anything would fuckin like

TG: change about anything but holy fuck

TG: everything is just very weird

TT: Dave, that is how it works. When you suddenly get out of a horrible situation, everything might feel dazing- even if you are out of that situation for awhile before going back to it.

TG: nono man thats not what i mean

TG: girl sorry

TT: It is fine. I do realize that you use “dude” and “man”- and anything like that- as an indication that you are referring to someone.

TG: ok i dont know what that means

TG: but like

TG: i dont know its just fuckin weird and shit like im so used to all these fuckin sick beats and pressure around me

TG: like

TG: now that the overloading amount of shit isnt around me its just like

TG: a massive fucking burden off my chest or something

TG: but like something

TG: still feels like a burden i guess??

TG: dude i dont really know im just spewing shit honestly

TT: Alright, that is okay.

TT: It is alright to feel like that.

TG: ok but i have the *hottest* fucking take and i mean its so goddamn hot that its been sitting on the fucking stove for hours just sitting there and boiling and randomly popping up in my gotdamned fucking brain

TT: What is it.

TG: im fucking uh

TG: weird

TT: We know this, Dave.

TG: no like nononono weird in the sense of like

TG: tity

TT: What.

TG: tity

TT: I am starting to dislike this conversation.

TG: i dont know how to explain it man

TG: just like

TG: fuckin

TG: tity or some shit

TT: It’s okay, Dave.

TT: Maybe you should recollect your thoughts on the matter and you can tell me later?

TG: ok uh

TG: yeah sure

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]


End file.
